Chapter 13

In the relative seclusion of my room, I plugged the USB stick into my laptop. When the dialogue box appeared asking for the password, I hesitated momentarily before typing in: cunt. The video player started up and there was Zara looking out at me from my screen. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw those green eyes but the smile was short-lived as I noticed Zara was pale and drawn, she wasn’t wearing any makeup, and her hair was now a more natural auburn color and rather unkempt. The wall behind her bed was plain white with no decorations. The vibe was definitely institutional. Frowning, I clicked Play.

“Hi, Lucas. There’s no easy way to say this, so here it is: The reason you’ve received this video is that I am dead.”

My vision darkened, the walls and ceiling closed in on me. I forced myself to take deep slow breaths until the pressure lifted. On-screen, Zara was blinking back tears and looking away from the camera. After a minute she took a shaky breath and went on.

“There’s so much I want to tell you and there’s so much I need to tell you. I owe you the truth and more.

“I have a type of brain tumor known as a glioblastoma multiforme that is rather malignant and was rather advanced when it was found over a year ago. The location of the tumor made surgical treatment impossible. I did have radiative therapy but it was ineffective. Even if that did work it was only going to buy me a few extra months. The prognosis was grim: Most people in my condition die within six months; a small percentage make it to twelve. I’m on month fourteen and counting so I feel like I’ve won some sort of cosmic sweepstakes.

“After I was diagnosed I had a choice. I could either spend my remaining time at home with my family, enduring countless trips to the hospital for treatment that might buy me a short amount of time or I could go back to school and try and live a normal life.

“I chose life. I was nineteen and I wanted to be normal or, at least, pretend to be for the little time I had left.

“Knowing when I was going to die changed me. I saw how much pain my condition was causing my family and I wanted to spare others from ever feeling that, so I decided I wouldn’t let anyone new get close to me. Turns out, that wasn’t so easy.

“I also began experiencing all these dark urges. I didn’t want to get involved with anyone but I began to have sexual cravings. I was able to resist them for a while but then they overwhelmed me. They still do but now I don’t have the strength to act on them.”

I noticed as she spoke her left eyelid was blinking slightly slower than her right. There was also a slurring of her words but I didn’t know if that was from the tumor or possibly from medication.

“Maybe I was feeling lonely. Maybe it was the fact that you treated me decently in spite of my appearance. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was chemistry. Maybe it was everything. Maybe it was nothing. Whatever it was, when I caught you checking out my body I had the undeniable urge to suck your cock. I figured I would jump you, have a good time and we would go our separate ways. But you really surprised me. I tried to forget about you afterwards but it was impossible. You once called me your drug. Well, you were my drug and I was hooked after only one time.

“Despite my vow I went back to see if you were really that special. You were. God help me, I was falling for you but I still didn’t want you to fall for me. That’s why I treated you like shit. Since I couldn’t stay away from you I hoped I could drive you away. And while a little piece of me died every time I mistreated you, I simply can’t imagine how I made you feel. For that I am truly sorry.

“My fucking project was a ploy for you to see there are better people out there than me. I was careful to set you up with girls I knew you would like and who would treat you well. With each new girl I was afraid you would leave me, but you proved to be loyal to a fault and that made me love you even more.

“Lucas, I love you. I think you love me, too, or at least, you once loved me. I’m sorry I never got to hear you say it.”

“I love you, Zara,” I said to the screen. Zara started to say something but stumbled over her words and started swearing. She got stuck on the word fuck, repeating it over and over for more than a minute before there was a break in the video. When the video resumed night had fallen in Zara’s room.

“The seizures are growing more frequent and getting worse. I have headaches and I’m so tired all time. All I want to do is sleep. My short-term memory doesn’t work so well nowadays so I had to go back and watch what I had recorded.

“So, I wanted you and I didn’t want to hurt you, but I did hurt you. That day in the coffee shop you were incredibly brave in trying to tell me how you felt. In my panic I lashed out and I’m afraid I may have permanently damaged our relationship. The next several weeks were especially bad for seizures and tremors. I ignored your calls and texts because I couldn’t think coherently and I didn’t want you to see me like that.

“When I felt better I went to the computing center, saw the pain etched on your face and I knew I had finally succeeded in driving you away. I couldn’t let you go, though, and I had to have you one last time. Maybe a more accurate way to say it would be ‘one first time.’ Despite all my blunt talk about sex I was no more experienced than you, in anything. I learned as I went along, just like you. In the end, you were my first and my last. You were my only.”

Zara’s head began jerking slightly to the side, her eyes unfocused. The jerking continued unabated until the video cut to a sunlit room. Now there was a soft beeping of a monitor in the background. Zara’s left eye was filled with blood and the pupil fixed and dilated.

“There’s so much I want to say but I don’t have time for. I’m afraid if I don’t wrap this up soon I won’t be able to edit it and then you’ll have to watch long stretches of me swearing and twitching.

“I wish I had done so much differently. I should have treated you better. I should have loved you openly and, if you loved me in return, I should have spent every possible moment with you. My intentions were to fully live what remained of my life and I failed in the worst possible way. I denied you. I denied love. I denied life.”

Tears brimmed in her eyes once more. Several minutes passed before she composed herself. “This is my last will and testament to you, Lucas. I want you to find love and happiness. I know I can’t guarantee it but I might be able to give you a push in the right direction. Kelly told me about that night so I know how it touched her. You two shared a beautiful moment and I have to admit I’m jealous. Promise me you’ll see her again, if only just to talk with her. She’ll be living at this address in the fall so she should be easy to find.” Kelly’s name and address appeared on the screen.

“Find her, talk to her and see where it goes from there. Maybe you’re right for each other. Maybe not. But you have to find out.