Chapter 24

I didn’t want to lie to Rose and I ended up waking a thin line. Basically, I just left a lot of things out. Sticking to the truth and leaving out the majority of the week.

I wanted to tell her everything but that would mean asking her to keep it a secret from everyone and I couldn’t do that to her. I would tell her but it would be just before I spoke to the Mother Superior. But for as nutty as Rose can be at times, she is very intelligent and very astute.

She gave me a funny look and said, “Does he still think that you are beautiful?” Then she laughed and said, “Of course he does, I’m sure that he didn’t go blind.”

Thank god that she was looking at the road, she didn’t see my look of surprise. Nothing more was said. We stopped at my office at the university, there was a week’s worth of mail and messages from teachers, students and administrators. I just threw everything in a bag and took it back to my room at the convent.

After getting settled, I had placed the signed baseball on the top of my dresser next to the “Iceberg.” I then started to go through the messages and mail. It was the usual stuff and I went through it rather quickly, answering some and ignoring others. Rose and I had dinner and she told me the news of the convent and anything that I might have missed about the order.

After dinner I returned to my room and worked on things that had to be done before I returned to school. The phone rang around eight o’clock that evening and I knew who it was even before I picked it up. I opened the phone, closed my eyes and said, “Hello, my love.”

I heard a laugh and he said, “Hello, my darling, I miss you so much.” Then he added, “Wouldn’t it have been something if it was the Mother Superior calling.”

I gave an audible sigh and said, “Don’t you think I check the caller ID before I answer? And by the way, I miss you too.” We went on and talked for about an hour and then once again he asked me to marry him and I once again said yes. We said good night and after a hundred “I love yous,” hung up.

A short while later, as usual, Rose knocked on my door. We have been saying our final prayers together since we were in the novitiate. I felt a little funny, praying like this after what had occurred in St. Louis. I only hoped that the Good Lord would understand and forgive me.

The next day being Sunday meant mass in the chapel. I hadn’t been to mass since I had first spent the night with Zack. There was no way I could take the Eucharist, what we had done was looked upon as a grievous sin. I would have to have reconciliation first.

I was sorry that I had sinned but I wasn’t sorry that I loved Zack. I got up early and prepared myself for my confession.

As early as I could I was in the chapel and waited until Father Joseph Moran (Father Joe) arrived. I approached the confessional with a bit of trepidation. Although Father Moran was a relatively young man and was understanding he was still a rather strict priest. I had known him when I was teaching in Minneapolis, he was originally from Baltimore and had known that I taught at St Steven’s, his high school’s cross-town rival. Something he never let me forget. I went in and he opened the screen and I started going through the rite. Although I expected him to interrupt, he didn’t.

I ended with “That is all, Father.”

There was silence for what seemed like a year. Then in a very soft voice, so soft that I had to strain to hear what he said, he started, “Well my dear Sister Carol, this isn’t exactly what I expected on this lovely Sunday morning.”

“But, tell me were you confessing the fact that you love this young man or that the two of you sinned in the manifestation of that love. The love is not sinful, even falling in love with a religious. Nor is it a sin for a religious to fall in love with another. But the physical expression of that love outside of marriage is a sin. No matter how wonderful and right it seems, nor does the fact that this act is done with the greatest love, make it any less sinful.”

“Tell me, are you serious about leaving the Order and marrying this young man?”

“Yes Father, I am. I love him and I want to be his wife, to spend the rest of my life with him.” I answered. “Father, I’m not asking to be forgiven for loving Zachary. I do love him and I always will. I don’t believe that my love for him is sinful. What I am sorry for and I ask to be forgiven is the breaking of my vows and for not waiting for marriage before we gave our love its physical expression.”

“My dear Carol, I believe you and no one could ask for a more honest request for forgiveness. I will give you absolution, but I am going to give you what will probably be one of the most difficult penances that you have ever received.”

“What I want, is for you to spend the day in your room, in prayer and contemplation. I want you to fast today, no food, just water. Talk to no one, see no one, just you in your room with God. Talk only to Our Lord, see only Our Lord in prayer and contemplation. I want you to think about what you are going to do. Think long and hard. Ask God for guidance, ask him and he will provide you with a pathway.”

“Now, go and attend Mass and take the Eucharist, then to your room. Tomorrow, return to the University and the classroom. No more fasting, but prayer and contemplation. I will be at the University on Tuesday and we will talk again.”

Never before had I been more grateful for his understanding and forgiveness. “Thank you Father.”