Chapter 137

“Alli’s still not down,” mom said, stating the obvious. “Poor thing must be exhausted. I’ve never seen her like that before.”

She looked at me, curious, but not unkind. “Alex, have you ever seen her like that?”

I shook my head slowly. “No, mom. Not even in the hospital. I didn’t even think it was possible for her to be that way. I…”

I faltered in what I was about to say, and dad nodded. “It’s okay, Alex. Say what you were going to. We’re still waiting for your aunt before we begin really talking, we promised you we would. We’re just concerned that she hasn’t left her room yet.”

I sighed heavily. “I’ve seen her sad. I’ve seen her feel despair. About us. She even cried. But… I haven’t seen her retreat away like that before, as if… as if her whole world had suddenly disappeared.”

Mom looked at her coffee cup, her eyes somewhat cloudy. “She’s told me about her life and I think Allie has led a somewhat charmed existence up until now. I’m not saying she’s spoiled or anything, but even my mother’s death was not a jarring event for her, she had time to prepare herself. She’d probably admit that just about everything has gone her way in life, until now.”

I tilted my head. “You… you think she’s never dealt with a crisis like this before?”

“I don’t know, but it’s possible,” mom answered. “My poor sister. This has to be so hard on her.”

Mom looked at dad. “She hasn’t responded to your texts?” Dad shook his head and mom sighed again. “I… Mike, you’d better go and get her, please. I know we said we’d give her time, but that was well over fifteen hours ago.”

Fuck, it had been fifteen hours?

Dad nodded and got up, leaving the living room and heading upstairs. After a couple of moments of silence, mom looked at me.

“We’ll wait until she’s here to really talk, Alex, but I just want you to know how much your father and I love you. We love Alli too, but you’re our son. We’ll always love you.”

“I know, mom,” I said quietly. “Thanks. I love you guys too.”

“We’ll get through this,” she said, leaning forward and smiling gently. “You’ll get through this. You’re a De Bourne, a Blackwell and a Gordon, you couldn’t ask for a much stronger lineage, you know.”

I nodded. “When I heard you two talking, and how she was going to take it all on herself, I couldn’t stop myself from coming upstairs. I was terrified, but I knew I couldn’t let her take it on alone.”

Mom’s eyes were a little glassy as she smiled at me. “Staying downstairs might have been the smart thing to do, Alex, but I’m glad you didn’t. Not only because your father and I now know, but because it took strength to come up those steps and confess to what you did. Great strength and courage. Another boy your age might have just hidden his head under the pillow and let the girl take on the burden.”

“I couldn’t let that happen,” I said distantly, my eyes on the floor. “I… this was inevitable, I know that. I always did. But I couldn’t let her stand alone, at the end of it all.”

“It’s not an end, Alex,” she said softly, her eyes misty now. “Yes, some aspects of it will seem that way to you, possibly for quite some time. But our family will survive this and grow stronger, united and loving one another.”

“I wonder if Alexa can ever forgive me for all of this?” I murmured.

“You might find out sooner than you think,” dad said in a grim tone as he stood in the entryway to the living room, holding up a small envelope. “Alli’s not in her room and I found this. I think she’s gone…”

***

“To my dearest family…

I am so sorry I will no longer be with you. I have caused perhaps irreparable harm and cannot continue to do so. Know that I am fine and in no danger. I love you all so much and would never want you to worry about my well-being that way, since I’ve caused enough turmoil already.

Michael- you’re a tower of strength and you inspire me. You always will. Anyone should be proud to become one tenth of the person you are, with your convictions and resolve. I will miss you so much.

Karen- my only sister, an eternity of words cannot possibly suffice in apologizing for the hurt I have caused you. It breaks my heart to need to leave, so soon after getting you back in my life. Circumstances robbed us of our lives together as sisters, and now my choices have done that again. Please know and remember that I love you, even if I cannot be here.

Alex- I shouldn’t even bother trying to say anything, should I? I don’t know if it’s possible to stop loving you. I don’t know I would try if I could. All I can hope is that you find a way to move on and live your life, becoming the person we both know you can be. I won’t say don’t worry about me or just forget me, we’re both far beyond that point, aren’t we? I’ll always love you.

I’ll always love you all.

Alexa.”

I slowly lowered the letter, letting the words sink in. Reading it aloud with my parents sitting on the couch nearby had been tougher than I could have imagined. I felt… heavy. My body was heavier than stone, my mind numb. When dad brought down the letter, saying that Alexa was nowhere to be found, a sense of dread had washed over me. He’d given the letter to me, clearly deeming that I should be the one to read it, even if it was addressed to all of us. I guess I should be thankful that he understood what Alexa and I meant to one another.

I looked up from the letter and over at them. Dad was sitting beside my mother, his arm around her, while she had her elbows on her knees and her hands over her mouth, tears streaming down her face. My heart broke again, she looked like her whole world had ended.

“She’s gone,” she whispered, her voice barely audible. “I just got her back, and now she’s gone…”

I hung my head and squeezed my eyes shut, wrestling with my emotions. The sound of my mother trying to not break down completely was all I could hear aside from my own thumping heartbeat. I’d thought getting caught would be the worst thing to happen, but I was wrong. Even my dad seemed at a loss for what to do. That terrified me.

“I need her back,” mom said turning to look at dad, her eyes glassy and her cheeks red. “My God, we have to do something.”

“I don’t know what yet,” dad said, his hand over hers now, but he kept looking at the floor, perhaps unable at that moment to cope with the anguish that was so evident in his wife’s eyes. Dad tended to look at the floor while he was thinking, or he’d pace back and forth when he was really agitated. Mom used to say he’d wear a groove in the living room floor when something was bothering him. He wasn’t pacing, but only because he truly didn’t know what to do. “She said not to worry about her, Karen. I think she’s hoping we’ll trust to that.”

I said nothing, merely looking at the letter again. The fine paper seemed marred in places and I realized they were the marks of tears. Alexa had been crying at she wrote the letter. I pressed the paper to my face as I lost myself in dark reverie, trying to imagine what she’d been feeling as she wrote this. I wouldn’t have had the strength. My God, she was strong.

Mom was leaning against dad, sobbing now. The depth of Alexa’s and my folly was becoming increasingly clear to me with each passing moment. My head spun as the magnitude of what we’d done was out for me to examine. We’d compromised and hurt my family in ways I’d never conceived of.

I don’t know if Alexa had always thought it may come to this moment, or it had just been an instinctual reaction on her part. We’d talked, of course, about what would happen when we were found out, but I don’t think either of us had seen it playing out quite like this.

“I guess we’d better still have that talk, Alex…” dad said heavily.

***