Chapter 30

All the other Sisters at the table nodded at that. Then they all got up and said their goodbyes. Then the Mother Provincial and Rose walked me to the door, opened it and we all walked out of the building.

As we walked out Rose seemed to be distracted. I didn’t pay it much mind. The Mother Provincial smiled at me and said, “God bless you and keep you safe, my daughter.” Then we hugged.

I turned to Rose and we hugged for a long time. Now that I was going out the door the reality of my situation hit me. I was leaving the place and the people that I had been living with for a very large part of my life. A life I freely chose, a life that I loved.

I also realized that I didn’t have any plans, other than a vague idea that I would call Zack. I became afraid and I hugged Rose tightly.

Mother Provincial asked, “Do you have a cab or someone coming for you?”

Before I could answer, Rose interjected, “It’s all been arranged.”

I had no idea what she was talking about. But it was like I didn’t care. I smiled and when they went back into the building and closed the door, I turned and started to walk. To where? I had no idea.

I was given some money and a pre-paid cell phone. I thought that I would call a cab and go into town. But, all I did was walk toward the street.

It seemed like I was in a fog and couldn’t find my way out. I saw someone or something in front of me, but really didn’t look. Then I heard someone in the fog say, “Need a lift?”

I looked and the fog seemed to fade. I saw a young man, a handsome young man, the most beautiful man in the world standing in front of me. He was smiling at me. My Zachary was here. For a moment I thought that I was dreaming. But no, he was here. All I could do was say, “Yea, I could use a lift.”

He came over to me and took my suitcase and backpack and took my hand in his and we walked to his car. He opened the door and I got in. He put the bags in the trunk and he got in. Once again he took my hands in his and said, “Maybe we should go to my place. I have a two bedroom apartment in a huge building.”

“That sounds good…it’s the best offer I had all day.”

He started the car, put it in gear and drove off. I sat there in silence and looked out of the window. I couldn’t say anything, I couldn’t even think. All I did was look at the passing buildings and streets. I had driven this route hundreds of times. This was the route that I would take to St. Steven’s.

Then I started to talk, no thinking, my mouth just moved and sounds came out. It was like someone else was talking and I was eavesdropping. “I really appreciate this, I don’t know why, but it’s like I’m mired in a swamp. I just can’t get moving.”

I went on, “Look, this will be just for a while, just until I can get on my feet, get a job and a place of my own,” I wanted to take him in my arms, hold him and kiss him.

Zack didn’t say anything, he just looked over at me and smiled as he drove. I closed my eyes and sort of melted into the car seat. I felt tired, worn out and it was only eight thirty in the morning.

The trip took about a little over a half an hour. We drove into the garage that was under the building. We got out and Zack got my bags. We took the elevator up to the twentieth floor and got out. His apartment was at the end of the hall. When we went in I was really surprised. It was large, open and bright.

There was a large picture window that overlooked the city onto the water. It was a view to die for. The furniture was conservative and tasteful. As I looked around I realized that this was what I would have expected from Zack’s apartment.

I stood there looking out of the window. Not thinking, not feeling, just looking but not seeing. I have no idea how long I stood there, but then Zack said, “Carol? Is everything okay? Would you like some tea?”

I turned and looked at him. He was standing there with two mugs of tea. I smiled at my love and took a mug. We sat on the couch and I sipped my tea. It was herbal. I smiled in surprise and said, “You drink herbal tea, since when?”

“I figured that I should start drinking it, as you shouldn’t be having caffeine, should you?” then he added, “Did you have breakfast this morning?”

I realized that I hadn’t and that I was starving. “Ah, as a matter of fact, I haven’t and I could eat a horse.”

He laughed and said, “Well I don’t have any horse meat but I make a wicked plate of eggs and bacon…would you like some wheat toast with that?”

I couldn’t believe this, he as treating me like a queen, but I was exhausted and I just wanted to relax. “That will be fine…”

What was wrong with me, it was like we were meeting for the first time again. I felt so self-conscious, I wanted to run into his arms, hold him and kiss him, but there was something stopping me.

Was it because I was pregnant? Was I still having doubts? Was I worried that he would be up set about the baby?

I was afraid that I was going to lose him. I had allowed those doubts to grow and fester in my heart.

I steeled myself and as I was going to get up and go into the kitchen and just blurt it out. I opened my eyes and Zack was standing in front of me. I looked up. There were tears in his eyes. He fell to his knees and took my hands in his.

In as low soft voice he “I’m so sorry, Carol. I didn’t think. It never entered my mind. Can you ever forgive me? I know that you are upset with me, that I was so reckless and all. Please don’t hate me, I couldn’t live if you didn’t love me.”

He went on, “My love, the both of you are everything in the world to me. I just want us to be together and happy.”

I took his face in my hands and lifted it. I leaned into him and kissed his lips. It was a quiet kiss no passion or lust, just filled with all the love in my soul. I held his face and kissed him forever.

When we parted I pulled him close. I said, “Zack, I have something to tell you. Please don’t be angry with me…” I couldn’t finish as I began to cry, deep soul wrenching sobs. I was afraid, so afraid…I didn’t know how to tell my love that we were going to be parents.

I sobbed, “I love you Zack, I love you so much and I need you so badly. Please, say that you love me and that you will always love me, no matter what.”

Again I was overtaken by a wave of worry and doubt and I cried. He held me into his body, holding me tight and in almost a whisper he said, “Carol, you are my everything, I will love you for all eternity. You are my all and when the baby is born I will love him…her…whatever, with everything in me.”

It took a moment to digest what I just heard, did he say…?

I pulled back and said, “What did you say, Zack?”