Chapter 29

“Don’t worry you will not be talking with him again, Father Martin will be back tomorrow and he is, how shall I put it, more tactful.”

“Thank you, Mother,” was all I said.

I returned to my cell and cried. He had upset me more than I thought. He had verbalized things that, I am sorry to say, I thought of. What if Zack didn’t want a baby? What if he gets upset when I tell him that I’m pregnant?

In my heart I knew that I had nothing to worry about, but I couldn’t stop the doubts from sneaking in. The rest of my time in Cincinnati went from elation at being able to see Zack soon to the hell of doubt. Of wondering if he would still want me. Me a fat pregnant cow.

On a Friday morning in early August, I was sent to the Mother House in Baltimore. I would go before the Tribunal on Sunday morning. The Tribunal was a hold over from the early days of the Order. In the past it would be like a trial and the Tribunal members would decide whether the nun on trial would stay or be banished.

Today, it was the nun who more or less made the decision. If she showed up in the full habit it meant that she wanted to stay, and the members would decide if she could. But if she showed up in civilian clothes she wanted to leave. There was no question in my mind about the clothes that I would wear.

As sure as I was about what I wanted, I still had those doubts that the Monsignor had brought to the surface. It seemed that I was in a sort of depression. I had my clothes ready, but I had no plans. I didn’t make any calls, I didn’t make any arrangements as to where I was going to go. I did nothing. I just couldn’t get started.

On Saturday, Rose showed up. She would stand with me. In the past she would have been my defender, but now she was my support. She would be there with me.

I spent the morning with Rose and we talked. She never asked my plans or even if I had any. She later told me that she thought as usual, I had everything under control. She couldn’t have more wrong.

That afternoon, Rose accompanied Miriam to a Mall in downtown Baltimore, as I was technically still cloistered, I stayed at the Mother House. Miriam had not been kind to me. She sort of reminded me of the Monsignor. But, I said nothing.

When they returned, Rose was a bit giddy. Not that this was unusual, Rose could get like that at any time. She did clam down after a while and we sat and after dinner and the rosary, we had tea and went to bed.

On Sunday I was up long before the sun. I dressed in my street clothes, a light blue silk blouse, that my Mother had given me, a navy blue skirt and a pair of pumps. I had my suitcase and backpack filled and ready.

I went to mass and received the Eucharist with Rose. Father Joe was visiting family in Baltimore and had come to see me, he had said mass. Afterwards, we talked and he could see by what I was wearing that I had made my decision. He smiled when I said, “Father, if things work out, will you officiate at my wedding?”

“Of course I will I would be privileged. But, what do you mean, ‘If things work out.'”

I started to cry and told them of my doubts. “What brought this on?” he asked.

I told him of my experience with the Monsignor. He sighed and said, “Sometimes we loose sight of who we are dealing with and what we are here to do. Please forgive him and forget what he said.”

Rose looked at me and hugged me, “Don’t worry my dear, don’t worry. Everything will be okay.”

At about ten to eight Rose and I got up and started for the boardroom. Father Joe blessed us and said that he would keep in touch. As we walked through the halls, Sr. Miriam walked up to me.

I didn’t know what to expect. She said in a quiet voice, “Carol, I need you to forgive me. I have been very uncharitable to you. I have said things about you that were unkind. I am old and somewhat set in my ways and a lot of times I talk before I consider what my words might do. Please forgive this old foolish nun.”

There were tears in her eyes. I took her in my arms and said, “Of course I forgive you. I only hope that when I am your age that I am as loving as you.”

She gave me a small smile and said, “Either you are a dummy or a real good liar, but I will believe you…dummy.”

As she walked away, Rose whispered, “Miriam is Miriam, she will never change.”

“Yes I know, but I also believe that she was sincere about being sorry,” I answered.

Rose added, “So do I.”

We stood before the big double door of the boardroom and waited. Finally, Sister Harriet came and opened the doors. I had taught with her at St Steven’s. She smiled at me and said “Sister Carol Williams, so you have your defender with you.”

“Yes Sister, Sister Rose Quinten is here with me,” I answered.

“Then with your defender, come before the Tribunal.”

We walked into the room and stood before a great table. There were seven Sisters sitting opposite us. The Mother Provincial was in the center. She gave me a sad smile and said, “Carol, I see that you have made your decision. I can’t say that I am surprised. I want to wish you good luck and God’s blessings on you and your family.”

“Please know that if you had wished to stay we would have welcomed you.”