Chapter 28

Rose stayed until the last minute, and at exactly four thirty, she gave me a big hug and with tears in her eyes, said, “Good bye…no, so long Carol. I will see you, soon I hope.” She then went out and quietly closed the door.

The next day, I went to our convent in Cincinnati, I was accompanied by another older Sister. Sort of locking the barn after the horse has been stolen. Although the only person who was told of my condition was the Mother Superior, it didn’t take the rest of the nuns much to figure out what was wrong. I had thought that I was lucky, no morning sickness. But, after arriving in Cincinnati it came on with a vengeance.

After a day or two, no one asked if I was okay. They would tell me that it would pass and soon everything would be okay. Not much of a secret, huh?

I spent my days in prayer, contemplation and meditation. About a week after arriving at the convent in Cincinnati, my mother was contacted and arranged for her to visit.

She had a worried look on her face when she came into my room. “Carol, what is wrong? Why are you here and what is going on?”

I sort of smiled and said, “I’m going to leave the Order and…”

I but my face in my hands and started to cry. My mother came to me and held me. She wiped my tears and spoke to me in that soft mother voice that I remembered so well.

I told her about Zack and how I loved him. I also told her what I was doing and that I was cloistered and wouldn’t be in contact with her until after the Tribunal.

She asked, “Are you going to leave for him?”

I nodded yes.

She hugged me tight and in almost a whisper, said, “Oh my love, my sweet daughter, you know that although your father and I supported your decision to become a nun and we were happy that you we happy. I have to say, that I had always wanted to see you happily married and…I know that this is selfish but I have always wanted grandchildren. But I guess that’s sort of jumping the gun.”

I looked at her kind of sheepishly and smiled, “Well not really.”

Mom’s eyes got huge and then she smiled, “Really, oh my god. To think after giving all of those girls advise about abstinence and protection…” and then she laughed, “Well I guess that I will get my wish quicker that I expected.”

Leave it to my mother to say what everyone else wanted to say but didn’t.

“Tell me, is the father, I mean, is Zachary happy?”

My face went serious and in a whisper, said, “He doesn’t know yet. The day I learned that I was pregnant, I promised to take the retreat and become cloistered. You are the only person outside of the Order that I have talked to. I have another three weeks before the Tribunal.”

“So then he doesn’t know anything. He has no idea what is going on. Carol how can you do that to him?”

I had tears in my eyes, I said, “I know, Mom. I really didn’t realize it when I started, but I will now keep my silence for another three weeks. I have given my word. I have already broken enough vows.”

“Well, give me his number, I can call him and tell him what is going on, the poor man.”

“Mother!” I almost shouted, “I can’t do that, you know that I can’t.”

Mom started to laugh, “Having lived with a lawyer for over thirty years, I guess that I still always look for a loophole.”

She hugged me. “Well I know that there are a lot of people praying for you, so I will pray for poor Zachary…and I will throw a prayer or two in for you.”

It was time for her to go. I held her for a long time, Mom could always make things better and she had. I was sad to see her go.

Now my life returned to the routine I had. Mass in the morning, followed by breakfast, prayer, meditation, working in the garden, then lunch more prayer and meditation. Usually talking to my confessor, Father Martin (call me Marty), then dinner, the community prayer, the rosary and then to bed to start all over in the morning.

I was in Cincinnati about two weeks when Father Marty was called away on a family matter. He was replaced by Monsignor Curran. He was a loud older man. He insisted that I receive reconciliation.

As I started the rite, he interrupted and began to question me about leaving the Order and why I wanted to go. He went ballistic when I told him that I was pregnant. He called me a harlot, a godless sinner and many other derogatory names.

He laughed when I told him that the father wanted to marry me. “He wanted you, when you were his eager slut, but do you really think that he is going to want a fat pregnant cow. You my foolish young lady have a lot to learn. When you tell him that you are pregnant, he is going to run for the hills. You will end up a homeless whore with a bastard child.”

He was incensed when I argued, who was I to argue with him. He was a Monsignor and I was just a dumb nun and a pregnant nun at that.

He refused to give me absolution as by arguing with him, I showed a lack of remorse. I didn’t mention that I had already been absolved of those sins.

As I walked out of the chapel, the Mother Superior grabbed me and dragged me into her office. She was visibly upset. “My dear Carol, I have to apologize. Had I known that he was going to be here today, I would have never let you go into the chapel. The Monsignor is a bit set in his ways and can be rather opinionated. He isn’t always correct in his theological ideas, not only is he is full of himself but he is completely tactless.”